in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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