her vagine was all disorganized.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Text me some of your sweat
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