You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Randomize
