the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
