So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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