I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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