dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize