I didn't shave. On purpose
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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