did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Randomize