Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
