On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
