At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
