look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
