i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
