before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
