I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
