I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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