Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
