I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
