Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
