ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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