I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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