No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
