You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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