I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize