Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
