Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize