you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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