Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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