I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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