She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
