and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Randomize
