I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
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