Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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