How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
