he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
