What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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