i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize