He asked to "fluff my boner.."
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
