they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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