i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
