Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
