My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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