Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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