We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
