The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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