Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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