i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
