I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
