Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
