Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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