Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
