I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
