pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I deserve this hangover.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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