It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
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