There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
