oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
