Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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