I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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