I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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