I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
