i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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