You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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