dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
