Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
