I'm so fucking centered right now
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
