Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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